The Commish

this is a blog I've meant to write since I went to a Tigers-Cardinals interleague game this summer (thanks J!). as the wave started around us (my intense hatred of the wave also began a Tigers game) I realized that I needed to make a list of things I would do immediately upon taking office as the next Commissioner of Baseball....hey! it could happen! if W can get elected president and the guy from kindergarten Cop can be elected governor, then I can blind enough MLB owners to be Commissioner.



You better look scared, Bud...I'm gunning for your job!











things I would do as Commissioner of Baseball:

1. Eliminate the wave and throw out anyone caught starting it. there is simply no excuse for this monstrosity..grown men and women standing up and down and yelling like buffoons. there is a story behind what some might think is my inexplicable dislike for a "harmless" fan diversion....here it goes, the wave killed my grandfather. but seriously folks, ask me if you care enough (I blame Tigers fans)
2. Eliminate the evil DL...some might argue (and they do) that they would rather see the designated hitter than some fat pitcher strike out 4 times. I would much rather see a pitcher hit (the way baseball is supposed to be played from its beginning) than some fat, over-the-hill, should have retired already, washed up slugger hit one home run and then strike out 3 times
3. Every team must wear a uniform to honor the Negro Leagues..just b/c its the right thing to do
4. Forbid Jose Conseco from ever stepping foot within 100 yards of a MLB stadium...just b/c its the right thing to do
5. Contract the Devil Rays...b/c frankly NO ONE would care
6. Name Steam Whistle beer (yes, yes I know its Canadian) as the official beer of Major League Baseball...THEN maybe I can fucking get some here!
7. On a related note, forbid any product of Miller or Coors Brewing Companies from being served in MLB stadiums, and contract the Brewers and Rockies if they don't comply (you are on a VERY short leash Anheuser Busch and STL Cardinals)
8. Forbid the playing of God Bless America in the 7th Inning instead of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"...because frankly its not a very good song and its fucking with tradition...the Yankees will just have to do it before the game
9. Contract the Yankees....just kidding (though I'd be tempted)
10. Give a full baseball pardon for Steve Bartman and offer him a sweet job with the Cubs just to make up for the fact that he was forced into hiding by idiot Cub fans
11. Order Red Sox fans to stop being whiny little bitches
12. Name Anna Benson special (as in topless) assistant to the Commissioner of MLB
13. Make Ben Affleck pay $50 to sit in the last row of the upperdeck...like the rest of us!
14. Order Barry Bonds home run number to be stuck at 754 (the record is 755) if he even gets close to classy Hank Aaron...and yes, its just b/c I don't like him
15. One word...cheerleaders!

Feel free to leave your ideas for when I am supreme ruler of the baseball universe and perhaps I'll reward you with some cushy front office job where you don't actually have to do anything but watch baseball from a luxury box. and feel more than free to make fun of my ideas....though then kiss the cushy job goodbye.

done!

For his own sake, I hope Dusty is mentally updating his resume.


After a weekend sweep of the Cubs by the Cardinals, the last 2 nights being on the last (fluke) at bats by a backup catcher (with a game winning grand slam tonight) I am officially DONE with the Chicago Cubs for the rest of this season. I am placing myself on the fan disabled list for the last 5 weeks of the season. I am not going to watch another Cubs game. I am not wearing any more Cubs shirts, hats, thongs (am I kidding or not?). I do not want to think about Dusty and his inept band of losers. I do not want to hear about them or have them even brought up in my presence (which I know is an invitation for my friends to torment me about it on purpose).

This is not to say that I am done with baseball.....of course not. It's an obsession. Especially with all these great pennant races and too close to call MVP and Cy Young races. I am simply done being a Cubs fan until catchers and pitchers report (except for Prior and Wood of course since they're no longer pitchers but actually walking vaginas).

So before I go I want to wrap up a couple things...

First of all, I want to wholeheartedly wish good luck to the Detroit Tigers and their deserving fans in their quest for a LONG overdue trip to the playoffs. I will be pulling for game one of the World Series to be played 60 miles away in Motown.

Also a less hearty good luck to my brother and dad's St. Louis Cardinals in their quest to repeat in the NL Central. I know, I know...they're the Cubs rivals but as I stated previously there are no more Cubs...and better the Cardinals than Corey's mediocre Reds.

Finally, after a season of bashing Dusty Baker and repeatedly calling for his head...if not his immediate firing, I would like to apologize to Dusty and his entire family. As I watched this team bungle play after play and watch a fucking back up catcher launch a grand slam over the ultra-skinny neck of Juan Pierre I realized this fucking joke of a team is not Dusty's fault. Even he can't believe the complete incompetence of the entire 25 man roster (and the long line of Triple-A gomers who have paraded through the rotation). So to the Cubs (specifically the all-powerful Tribune Company) I say....fire Jim Hendry for thinking this was anything more than a bad beer-league softball team, and clean house even if it means releasing everyone including the ushers and batboys. And to Dusty Baker I say..GET OUT, DUSTY!!!! Get out while you still can!!! And take Ronny Cedeno with you.



Wow...that felt SO good. This was going to be a hopefully humorous list of things I would do as MLB Commissioner, but that'll have to wait. I needed therapy. We'll see if I actually stay away from my bad Cubs habit.

good rankings and not-so-good rankings

wish I could say this was taken on an off-day but this was probably taken at halftime of a Homecoming game or something

from a Toledo Blade article...some bad news for the Green and White of my alma mater, Eastern Michigan University (the Harvard of the MAC...if I just keep using that people will eventually accept it as fact, right?).
it seems, to the shock of no one who has ever been in Rynearson Stadium on a fall Saturday afternoon, that Eastern is well short of the NCAA-required average of 15,000 fans per game---about 10,000 short actually. Eastern joins a select group of schools where football is apparently as unimportant to students as the library. Other football "powers" on the list (all averaging more than EMU by the way): Bowling Green (eat it Chief! 14,929), Louisiana-Monroe (14,617), Ball State (12,953), future MAC member Temple (12,735), New Mexico State (12,557), San Jose State (12,506), Utah State (10,896), Akron (10,893), Rice (10,072), Buffalo (8,914), Kent State (6,658) and irrelevant Eastern Michigan (5,219).

a sad fact of life for (apparently apathetic) Eastern students and not likely to change anytime soon.

the bad news:
-if Eastern doesn't average 15,000 fans this season it will receive some kind of probation where the school has to average this mark for each of the next 10 seasons or Eastern will be placed on restricted membership.
-Eastern couldn't even out-draw Can't State and a school full of hippies more likely to protest a football game than go to one
-much of this list seems to be MAC schools...giving Jenny M for fodder for her bizarre hatred of the Mid-American Conference
-there have been rumors about dropping schools who don't meet the average out of Division 1-A football

the good news:
-the only listed penalty for not meeting the attendance figure in the article was a ban on bowl games for the school. WHO CARES?!!! hahaha!! Eastern fucking Michigan's not going to a bowl game in my lifetime anyway!!!! stupid NCAA!! hahahaha..suckers



but the real good news (unexpected sure, but long overdue) for my alma mater:
(according to the latest U.S. News & World Report college rankings)

The top national universities were:

1. Princeton University

2. Harvard University

3. Yale University

4. California Institute of Technology

Massachusetts Institute of Technology

Stanford University (tie)

7. University of Pennsylvania

8. Duke University

Eastern Michigan University (tie)

9. Columbia University

Dartmouth University

University of Chicago (tie)

The gAy Team (a WSJP travel log)

WARNING: The following blog may contain images that are unsuitable for...well anyone.

some highlights...wait, who am I kidding...some LOWLIGHTS from this year's infamous WSJP trip to the Traverse City area (Torch Lake to be exact for all you MI people in the know):

-the beach house we stayed in was awesome....tons of rooms and beds (could sleep anywhere from 20-40, much more than our 10-12), excellent decks and a mandatory fire pit (more on that later of course)...though not actually on a beach. more like 200 feet from a boat launch and some grass. but cool nonetheless.

-Andy brought his fishing boat for the few days he was there. went on a daring high seas adventure with him that nearly ended with us at the bottom of Torch Lake with Davey Jones (well probably not, unless the Monkee was down there). went out when it was calm, came back against the wind with 5 feet waves...new we might be in for some fun when Andy said "Would it make you nervous if I suggested that we break out the lifejackets?"...I was already grabbing them in my mind.

-the guys had a cool, though ultimately embarrassing idea to buy 9 of the ugliest shirts and wear them on our one group golf outing...the catch was that they were only progressively ugly (some Hawaiian shirts were ok actually) and one was AWFUL!! a purple mumu (sp?) shirt with flowers that was huge and obviously made for pregnant women with no taste. we then played a poker tournament to determine who would wear what...the first person out of the tourney got last choice of shirts (so the purple one obviously) and had to wear Kate's pink hat. thank god I had enough marginal luck to force Jim out first and relieve much of the pressure! Chief and I ended up with cool Hawaiian shirts.

-spent alot of time around the firepit retelling some of our favorite stories and trying to come up with our favorite quotes from the 9+ years we've known each other...of course the Wildebeast story made its now annual appearance (for those who don't know it, come on next year's trip). and us drinking around a campfire made for predictable nonsense. the fire was put out every night by the most drunken guys pissing it out (I only did it once I believe...hehe). Dan (who was in rare form on this trip) on a bet from Stiga actually pissed on Chach's feet and of course Chach told Dan he would just go after Stiga for it. and then on the first night, Stiga (the only one NOT drinking) flung a marshmallow that was STILL ON FIRE at my foot....which put out the fire and left me with a massive blister the next day!

-and of course when we get together and beer is involved (I guess that would be always) gayness abounds. Chach modeling Kate's bikini bottom and scaring everyone in upper MI. Dan and Andy spooning in bed for more than 15 mins...I even feel asleep before Andy left Dan's bed...and DAN IS MARRIED! and I saw Dan naked more times than I've seen a girl naked in a year. if any one of us (or all of us for that matter) came out in 20 years, I don't think anyone who knows us would be all that shocked....but umm...I LIKE GIRLS!

-we watched some episodes of the A-Team while we were there...first time I've seen the A-Team in probably 15 years. had the theme song stuck in my head...and everyone else's, for the rest of the week. and the showed sure seemed a lot cooler when I was a kid. but best moments...Mr. T (B.A. suckas!) driving a truck and turning the steering wheel like it was a ship's wheel, and Murdock breaking both of B.A.'s feet but somehow B.A. ran after him at the end of the show.

-and of course we had to try to recreate our drinking contest that we first staged in Toronto last year. Chach was his own team, so was Jim...J, Dan and Jen were another and then there was team Perrysburg of me, Chief, his Jenny and Rex. Chach and Jim of course were their usual drunken selves, my team was mostly me and I admit I did not do as well as I could have (I blame the godawful beer we were drinking), and Dan's team won mostly with an impressive performance from Dan himself.

well I am sure I am leaving how many sordid, amusing details...and those of you who went feel free to remind me what I am forgetting. but it was another great trip and I look forward to wherever we decide to get drunk next year.

and now feel free to glance at some pics of the trip...AT YOUR OWN RISK!:


Chach doing some swimsuit modeling, Kate looking embarrassed


Chach and Dan...umm, guys with a gf and a wife, respectively


J and "friend"


the best behaved member of the group, Anthony James "Stiglit" Anselmo


Stiga modeling the infamous shirt


J and Dan gearing up for the big contest...dominated by Dan MF Green


this isn't really all that gay, is it? note that the only person with a shirt on is a girl


Jim wearing his fab outfit for golf, Andy doing his best Magnum P.I. pose


a rare, classy group photo (well except for Jim grabbing Jen's boob)


Chach being "straight"


Andy and Dan cuddling


just seconds after Ypsi the dog (love that name!) was actually sitting on top of the baby


Dan, Chach, and Jim playing a game they drunkenly invented...a game that would only be not stupid if you were drunk


how Chach didn't set himself on fire remains a mystery...notice he has no shirt on when its obviously chilly outside...vintage Chach


Stiga at the this year's performance of the Wildebeast story


Jen and a couple of benefits to child birth (hey! I'm sure Stiga said it first)


thanks Stiga! (never put out a flaming marshmallow with your toe)


the pontoon boat crew at lunch


the place where all the magic happened

A Tale of Two (Baseball) Cities

the Tharpe family baseball tour of Chicago and St. Louis was great fun. though the temperature was higher than Mel Gibson's blood alcohol level after his Holocaust Denial meeting (joke drum sound please).

Chicago
-we stayed at a hotel out by O'Hare where there was a some sort of Sci-Fi and Goth conventions which made for some diverse elevator rides...bunch of tatooed, black leather wearing Goths, comic book geeks, and my family in baseball stuff. weird, but fun
-Pop, Chief and I decided to take the El to Wrigley instead of trying to be suicidal and drive to the game. here is where I need to make an embarrasing confession...I LOVE the El. absolutely love it!! something about the convenience of it, the fact that I don't really like to drive, and the romance of life in the big city. other people see crowded, dirty trains but I see excitement on rails! that being said, the ride from O'Hare to Wrigley and back again kinda sucked and took forever.
-the Cubs-Cardinal game was awesome...for me. Brandon and Dad went to get snacks when the Cards were leading and came back to see the Cubs score a ton of runs. our seats weren't the best...for baseball (our view of home plate was often blocked by a concourse in front of us) but it was perfect for watching hot Cubs (and even Cards) chicks walk by....and Cubs Win!! Cubs Win!!
-and finally got the Wrigleyville experience by drinking in a bar after a Cubs game...Pop bought us a beer at Goose Island before we hopped back on the El for our hour plus ride back
-sadly, the best meal of the trip was at the Rainforest Cafe that Chief insisted that we go to...it has become some weird tradition for us...even though we are ignoring the rest of Chicago's world class restarants for a place with moving elephants and glowing glasses
-went to the Museum of Science and Industry and actually spent awhile there...as opposed to JK and I and our one hour whirlwind tour (that was actually fun and more memorable). the Musuem has redone the U-571 submarine exhibit and it is perfectly done for a history exhibit. the right combination of historical learning but also hands on, interactive stuff that keeps people from being bored and realizing they're learning
-the rest of our time in Chicago was a really hot blur and we tended to jump down each other throats b/c the heat and fucking traffic was getting to us.
Adam's Travel Tip: Go to Chicago in the fall or spring...and don't drive anywhere!!

St. Louis
-very hard for me to admit but St. Louis was probably a little bit more fun than Chicago this time...except for the heat where we left the high 90s of the Windy City for the low 100s of the Gateway City.
-our hotel was basically the reason for this...stayed at the Drury Inn right downtown. it was literally across the street from the Arch and the Mississippi. and only a short two block walk from new Busch Stadium. bigger room, sweet lobby...but the BEST part...everyday from 5:30-7 there were free drinks (yes, alcoholic drinks!) and free snacks in the lobby. we planned our days around this wonderful experience. BEST. HOTEL. EVER.
-took the mandatory Anheuiser-Busch brewery tour...which I must admit is a really cool factory and a great tour. its like Willy Wonka's factory but with beer...so better obviously. Brandon got a brewmaster certificate for volunteering to tastetest. I tried a pretty damned good Summer Ale that of course is not available for the general public. Chief blew tons of money (and maybe more than money) in the huge giftshop...bought a cool Budweiser dartboard. I bought my mom a cool Clysedale stuffed animal. always a good time....even for a guy like me who runs down Bud beer whenever he can. tried to flirt with the cute tour girl, unsuccessfully of course. sadly, my mom did better in chatting one up than I ever would.
-the Cardinals game was pretty cool I must admit...well except for Chief and Pop when they lost to the Phillies. but its a very cool new stadium. and thanks to mom (and her wheelchair) we had UNBELIEVABLE seats in our own little section right next to the press box. kept looking for Joe Buck but never saw him. I did almost break into hives from being in the Cardinals store too long (so much red!!!)
-on the way back home we stopped at the new Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum in Springfield, IL. if you are ever in Springfield, and god only knows why you would be, stop there. another perfect example of blending teaching people history with actually making it fun and resonate with people. I was VERY VERY impressed....impressed enough to be geeky enough to buy a t-shirt.
-also stopped by Champaign, IL to see the Univ of Illinois so I could add another college to my list. pretty cool college campus with a neat college town next to it (something that has been sadly lacking from my college experience) got some great pizza at a small college pizza place...these small places in college towns always have the best pizza. I'm sure everyone can think of a place like that.
-Mac the Dog only pissed on me once the whole trip as opposed to Dad and Brandon who he got 2-3 times

and now some pictures!!! click on them if you want to see them bigger...and why wouldn't you want to see them bigger?!


Heaven

Chief and I...he looks happier but believe me, I was

Pop and I...and Harry

Chief and Pop on the El...all damned day

at the Museum of Science and Industry...still not able to escape GW but he no longer causes me pain

a couple of skilled sailors...or dare I say seamen....hehehehe, I said seamen!

god, damn good thing it says "House" and not "Cabin"

the family outside the Budweiser tour...picked this one so I can deny that I was even there

not heaven, but impressive nonetheless

one of these things just doesn't belong...