The Commish

this is a blog I've meant to write since I went to a Tigers-Cardinals interleague game this summer (thanks J!). as the wave started around us (my intense hatred of the wave also began a Tigers game) I realized that I needed to make a list of things I would do immediately upon taking office as the next Commissioner of Baseball....hey! it could happen! if W can get elected president and the guy from kindergarten Cop can be elected governor, then I can blind enough MLB owners to be Commissioner.



You better look scared, Bud...I'm gunning for your job!











things I would do as Commissioner of Baseball:

1. Eliminate the wave and throw out anyone caught starting it. there is simply no excuse for this monstrosity..grown men and women standing up and down and yelling like buffoons. there is a story behind what some might think is my inexplicable dislike for a "harmless" fan diversion....here it goes, the wave killed my grandfather. but seriously folks, ask me if you care enough (I blame Tigers fans)
2. Eliminate the evil DL...some might argue (and they do) that they would rather see the designated hitter than some fat pitcher strike out 4 times. I would much rather see a pitcher hit (the way baseball is supposed to be played from its beginning) than some fat, over-the-hill, should have retired already, washed up slugger hit one home run and then strike out 3 times
3. Every team must wear a uniform to honor the Negro Leagues..just b/c its the right thing to do
4. Forbid Jose Conseco from ever stepping foot within 100 yards of a MLB stadium...just b/c its the right thing to do
5. Contract the Devil Rays...b/c frankly NO ONE would care
6. Name Steam Whistle beer (yes, yes I know its Canadian) as the official beer of Major League Baseball...THEN maybe I can fucking get some here!
7. On a related note, forbid any product of Miller or Coors Brewing Companies from being served in MLB stadiums, and contract the Brewers and Rockies if they don't comply (you are on a VERY short leash Anheuser Busch and STL Cardinals)
8. Forbid the playing of God Bless America in the 7th Inning instead of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"...because frankly its not a very good song and its fucking with tradition...the Yankees will just have to do it before the game
9. Contract the Yankees....just kidding (though I'd be tempted)
10. Give a full baseball pardon for Steve Bartman and offer him a sweet job with the Cubs just to make up for the fact that he was forced into hiding by idiot Cub fans
11. Order Red Sox fans to stop being whiny little bitches
12. Name Anna Benson special (as in topless) assistant to the Commissioner of MLB
13. Make Ben Affleck pay $50 to sit in the last row of the upperdeck...like the rest of us!
14. Order Barry Bonds home run number to be stuck at 754 (the record is 755) if he even gets close to classy Hank Aaron...and yes, its just b/c I don't like him
15. One word...cheerleaders!

Feel free to leave your ideas for when I am supreme ruler of the baseball universe and perhaps I'll reward you with some cushy front office job where you don't actually have to do anything but watch baseball from a luxury box. and feel more than free to make fun of my ideas....though then kiss the cushy job goodbye.