read someone else being funnier than me

Hey all. I feel really lazy tonight after attempting actual schoolwork for awhile. So here's an update by shamelessly copying and pasting ESPN.com for a pretty funny story. Enjoy. later! (these are the first couple I liked...link's at the bottom for the whole story)



By Patrick Hruby
Special to ESPN's Page 2

"... you cannot rehash the past. If that's the case, we're going to go way back into 19th, 18th centuries in rehashing the past and we'll crush a lot of things in a lot of sports ... if you just want a lot of things out of the sports world, then we can go back into the 1800s and basically asterisk a lot of sports if that's what you choose ..."
-- Barry Bonds, speaking to his good friends in the press.

Good idea. But why stop with sports?

If VH1's "I Love the 80s/90s" programs have taught us anything -- beyond the fact that Joe E. Tata still needs work -- it's that you can always rehash the past, and for less cost than creating something new. Retro jerseys and ESPN Classic, anyone? So it's rather surprising that Bonds would suggest otherwise, almost as if he had something to hide ...

But we digress. Point is, Bonds has one thing right: There's more to yore than what's taught in history books. Go beyond the headlines, the records, and you'll discover that every great deed masks an even greater asterisk. The United States was built on slave labor. Dead voters helped elect JFK. Milli Vanilli didn't actually sing "Girl You Know It's True." And so on.

With that in mind, Page 2 looks back at some milestones in American history, asterisks 'n' all:


Columbus Reaches the New World

The deed: In 1492, Italian explorer sails the ocean blue, yadda yadda yadda. He ends up in the Americas ...

The asterisk: ... along with smallpox.


Patrick Henry's Speech

The deed: In 1775, patriot Henry implores Virginia to join the American Revolution, proclaiming, "give me liberty, or give me death!"

The asterisk: Loudest applause reserved for brewer/patriot and follow-up speaker Samuel Adams, whose remarks begin, "Revolution, schme-volution. Just give me a cold one!"


The Declaration of Independence

The deed: Founding Fathers pen nation's birth certificate in 1776, proclaiming, "all men are created equal ..."

The asterisk: ... so long as you're a white, male landowner! (Also, Founders inconsiderately neglect to include treasure map on back of document.)


The Louisiana Purchase

The deed: In 1803, United States doubles in size after giving France $15 million for almost 530 million acres of territory.

The asterisk: President Thomas Jefferson agrees to take back the guaranteed contracts of Lewis and Clark, crippling the nation's salary-cap flexibility for years to come.


The Typewriter

The deed: Christopher Latham Sholes invents a mass-produced typing machine. Among the first works produced on the new device is Mark Twain's "Adventures of Tom Sawyer."

The asterisk: Among the last works produced on a typewriter? Original treatment for "Elektra."


The Model T

The deed: In 1908, carmaker Henry Ford introduces his Model T, which ushers in the automotive age and revolutionizes industry with its efficient assembly line process.

The asterisk: Assembly-line process later copied by Jerry Bruckheimer to produce mindless summer blockbusters, me-too police procedural dramas.



For the rest of the list click here