needless whining

Hey all. Ok, time to get a bit serious. I'm not very good at this, but I think I'm going to vent about things now. I'm someone who can't really talk about my feelings and all that silly stuff to other people. I have a tendency to bottle up everything inside and just withdraw more. So maybe I can vent a little about things on this thing....other people seem to be able to do it. I feel kind of stupid but, hey what the hell. It's either this or just cope by drinking alot...which I'll do anyway.
It's not that I am plagued by a lot...life is pretty damn good most of the time, and in the big picture it's not like I'm wanting of anything. So this might all seem silly to whine about when you compare it to the lives of other people who are truly suffering.
But I feel the need to vent about my so called academic life. I feel completely and utterly trapped in the mess that I have made for myself. I have so much work yet to do in order to meet all my MA requirements, an insane amount of work. I am in the midst of all my research. And sometimes I feel like I'm making really good progress with it, I've been through a lot of the primary sources I need (letters of Washington, Adams, Rush, etc). But there is just so damn much to go through....and I should really be writing these damn chapters by now. Take last week for instance, on my three days off I poured over John Adams' diaries for hours, I was at the UT library for what seemed like forever and it felt good for an instant...like I had accomplished something. But then I realized that I only really went through one book. ONE FRIGGIN BOOK!!! In more than 10 hrs of research. At that rate I'll have my thesis done by the time I'm 62. Yeah yeah guys....that'll be in like 3 months. Thats a very sinking feeling. As lame a comparison as it is....I really do feel like I'm stuck in academic quicksand. The more I try to work and free myself of these feelings, the more I sink into this kind of oblivion.
All I know is that it is already the end of Jan and I have not much to show for 3 1/2 mediocre years at what I've taken to calling Toledo Community College. Now this is all my fault, I should be done by now. I have nothing to excuse this amount of time I've wasted. I've just felt very lost these last couple years, and its hard to get motivated to finish a useless degree that I don't even know what to do if I ever get it. I have to get this damn thing done by March at the latest so I can revise it and defend it in April if I hope to graduate at semester's end (which I have to do because I have a professor on my committee who is retiring.) And to top this all off I have a couple of projects that I need to finish by the end of this semester or I will actually fail classes.
And I just don't know how the hell I am going to get all this work done in this short a time. I used to think I was a good student, a good (though slow) researcher, and an excellent writer. Now I'm doubting everything. And I allow myself to get distracted easily (by side projects, beer, etc.) because deep down I just don't have enough faith in myself to think I can get this done.
This is a black cloud that I never escape from. I may be in good moods from time to time and distract myself with family, sports, friends....all the fun stuff, but always in the back of my mind is this overwhelming sense of dread. Somedays it keeps me from even attempting to work because then I have to face it and the inevitability of it head on. And I just don't know what to do.
Wow....I'm sorry, I have no idea where all of this came from. I guess in the absense of the Cubs and baseball to vent through, this just came out. I have no idea why I feel it necessary for everyone in the world to know my deepest, darkest fears. I pretty much feel like an idiot. Oh well. This may not even be here by the time you look at my blog. But if I don't come to my senses, try not to think any less of me...weaknesses and all. Ok....there is more I could pour out I'm sure but I am really done being pathetic tonight. Take care everyone. I hope to see you all soon, especially my MI buddies that I need to get up to see. later!