therapy

*Bloggers warning* the following contains incessant whining from a guy who can't talk about his feelings to actual people so he instead writes them in his silly blog

Way too tired, listening to way too much slow angst Adam music, can't stop the whining from finally entering my blog (hey, can't write about sports forever)..

mom's in the hospital again, it really sucks. Obviously she has is much worse than we do, but it's hard to watch someone you love repeatedly suffering. Hard not to question things about faith (not that I had anyway). Though she doesn't, proving she's so much stronger and courageous than I will ever hope to be. Wish I could take her place, but she would never allow it. Visiting her today, in all her pain and frustration she's talking to me about the Hens in order to cheer me up. My friends think I am nothing but mean to her...actually I am in awe of her as a person. Wish I was a tenth the person she is. Constantly in fear of that phone call from dad. Hope I go before I ever get it. Could never take it.

I simply wish I could come close to being the man my father is. I know I never will be. He's a giant.

I have a great gf who certainly deserves better than a frustrated, parttime bookseller/graduate student. Only a matter of time before she figures that out. Holding out hope that she never does.

No shortage of great friends, but I don't get to see them nearly as much as I want to. Feel like I'm just a peripheral friend to them. Missing out on way too much of their lives. Afraid I'll become an afterthought for some of them. Afraid I already have.

Two great brothers, one who I am simply not close enough to (literally and figuratively) and a younger one who has outgrown me. Become a better, more complete person than I have. Admire them for the dreams they constantly chase, not always successfully, but chase them they do anyway. Never discouraged by life. They keep their heads up. Wish I could learn to dream from them.

Wandering through life...care about alot but not anything that I do. Hide behind sports and sarcasm. Afraid of life and afraid to live. Waiting to become the man I should be...anyday now.


Wow....certainly hope no one is still reading. Sorry, though a good friend did once encourage me to open myself up here. Don't worry, the next post will be about sports.

Adam's current sad song: "The Trapeze Swinger" by Iron and Wine